Yep, it's the big C

Well, here we are... the biopsy has been done, and the results are... breast cancer.  At fricking 36.  What the fuck!?  So now I have to have genetic testing done to see if I have a gene mutation (BRCA 1 or BRCA2).  If so then not only do I lose both boobs, but my ovaries as well.  Yay.  So while I'm trying to remain positive (hey, I get a boob job, maybe a tummy tuck, maybe no shaving for a while, maybe no more periods), I'm scared as hell that this has spread.  I'm getting a PET scan to see if it's stayed local or spread to other places in my body... this is happening Tuesday.  Until then I just - wait.  Ugh! 

Crap times two...

Well, the docs office called to tell me that "there is definitely a solid mass there, and it appears to have some malignancy present."  Damn.  I was really hoping that I was just overreacting, and that they would come back saying it was just a cyst.  So now I have to wait (again!) til next Wednesday for a consultation with a surgeon, who will then at a later date take a biopsy which I will then wait longer to find out the results of.  All this waiting... and I want it done YESTERDAY!!  I'm not a patient person, and this is not working very well for me!

Meanwhile, telling my parents was not great.  My mom took it well enough I think, but my dad... His mom (my grandmother) died of breast cancer.  I think this is making him relive all those moments all over again.  I know it's making me think of her... but I keep telling myself that it isn't the same as it was back in the 80's, a lot more is known about cancer now, and many MANY more options are available to me...

Of course, I can still hold out hope that it's benign...

Well crap.

Went to the OB/GYN... I got a stronger dose of Zoloft (100 mg instead of 50) for my PPD, and she checked out my boob lump.  I have to go get an ultrasound and mammogram Wed morning to determine if it's a cyst, tumor, or what.  I gotta tell you, I don't know if I want an answer to that.  What if it's bad?  All I can think of right now is what will happen to my family if I'm sick.  I mean REALLY sick...  Will my boys be OK if something happens to me? Will my husband?  I can't help but think not... I know I wouldn't be ok if something happened to any of them!  So here I sit, waiting to go get these tests over with and figure out what the next step is.  Pray to GOD that it's nothing!!!

It's been forever!

Wow it really has been a long time since I've posted on here.  Key West was an absolute BLAST! A well-needed getaway for my husband and I.  But now we're home, and even though the boys are growing up so fast, faster than I could imagine possible, I feel this... sadness.  Ok, so I DO have postpartum depression, and maybe I just need my meds to be adjusted.  Who knows. All I know is I sometimes think my kids would be better off with a different mommy, one that can handle basic problems without a) screaming her head off or b) going into a complete panic attack.  Ugh. This feeling is not nice.  So I have an appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow, where after she takes a look-see at my girly parts I will discuss these issues with her and see what she thinks.  My hubbie just wishes I would ask where my libido went... Lol!  And then there's the weird lump in my boobie that's causing all sorts of crazy thoughts to go through my head.  Geez....  I'm a mess!!