Yep, it's the big C

Well, here we are... the biopsy has been done, and the results are... breast cancer.  At fricking 36.  What the fuck!?  So now I have to have genetic testing done to see if I have a gene mutation (BRCA 1 or BRCA2).  If so then not only do I lose both boobs, but my ovaries as well.  Yay.  So while I'm trying to remain positive (hey, I get a boob job, maybe a tummy tuck, maybe no shaving for a while, maybe no more periods), I'm scared as hell that this has spread.  I'm getting a PET scan to see if it's stayed local or spread to other places in my body... this is happening Tuesday.  Until then I just - wait.  Ugh! 

Crap times two...

Well, the docs office called to tell me that "there is definitely a solid mass there, and it appears to have some malignancy present."  Damn.  I was really hoping that I was just overreacting, and that they would come back saying it was just a cyst.  So now I have to wait (again!) til next Wednesday for a consultation with a surgeon, who will then at a later date take a biopsy which I will then wait longer to find out the results of.  All this waiting... and I want it done YESTERDAY!!  I'm not a patient person, and this is not working very well for me!

Meanwhile, telling my parents was not great.  My mom took it well enough I think, but my dad... His mom (my grandmother) died of breast cancer.  I think this is making him relive all those moments all over again.  I know it's making me think of her... but I keep telling myself that it isn't the same as it was back in the 80's, a lot more is known about cancer now, and many MANY more options are available to me...

Of course, I can still hold out hope that it's benign...

Well crap.

Went to the OB/GYN... I got a stronger dose of Zoloft (100 mg instead of 50) for my PPD, and she checked out my boob lump.  I have to go get an ultrasound and mammogram Wed morning to determine if it's a cyst, tumor, or what.  I gotta tell you, I don't know if I want an answer to that.  What if it's bad?  All I can think of right now is what will happen to my family if I'm sick.  I mean REALLY sick...  Will my boys be OK if something happens to me? Will my husband?  I can't help but think not... I know I wouldn't be ok if something happened to any of them!  So here I sit, waiting to go get these tests over with and figure out what the next step is.  Pray to GOD that it's nothing!!!

It's been forever!

Wow it really has been a long time since I've posted on here.  Key West was an absolute BLAST! A well-needed getaway for my husband and I.  But now we're home, and even though the boys are growing up so fast, faster than I could imagine possible, I feel this... sadness.  Ok, so I DO have postpartum depression, and maybe I just need my meds to be adjusted.  Who knows. All I know is I sometimes think my kids would be better off with a different mommy, one that can handle basic problems without a) screaming her head off or b) going into a complete panic attack.  Ugh. This feeling is not nice.  So I have an appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow, where after she takes a look-see at my girly parts I will discuss these issues with her and see what she thinks.  My hubbie just wishes I would ask where my libido went... Lol!  And then there's the weird lump in my boobie that's causing all sorts of crazy thoughts to go through my head.  Geez....  I'm a mess!!

OMG!

Oh I'm so very excited! My DH and I are going to Key West in September for our anniversary!!!  YAY!!!  We never really had a honeymoon since someone (ahem) was preggo for the wedding.  We went to New Orleans for the weekend and stayed on Bourbon Street, but I was still in my first trimester and miserably nauseous the whole time, making it a less than romantic weekend.  So now we're gonna relive that whole honeymoon thing in the Keys.  Neither of us have been there, so it'll be something new for each of us.  The boys are staying at Grandma's house, so we don't have to worry so much about them either... they love it there!

So in other news... what do y'all think about a boy playing with a pretend kitchen?  I think it's fine (and if he wants to cook us supper later on in life, I have no problem with that!), but DH seems to think it's too "girly."  I bought him a stir fry kit and a grill kit to play with and he LOVES it... the next logical step for Christmas seems to be a pretend kitchen, right?  I mean it doesn't have to be pink with curtains for God's sake... they do make unisex kitchens!  And I think he'd really love it!  Now to convince the man...

Vacation!

So, I've been gone for a while... my family went on vacation.  Actually, we went visit family in Georgia, but that's as much of a vacation as I'm likely to get these days, so...
I was terrified elated with all the time I'd get to spend with my family in the car (11 hours, give or take), and was actually surprised to find that Eli slept most of the way, and Riley didn't mind sitting in a car seat that long. Huh.  We went to the Braves/Tigers game (Detroit won! Yay!), the Tellis Science Center (museum? whatever), took a boat ride around Lake Lanier, and just had a great time.  Then we had to come home....  BOOOOO!  I need a job that pays me to lay around at the beach all day eating bon-bons.  Anyone know where I can get that job?  Being with my family for a week or so nonstop just made me wonder if my kids wouldn't be better off with a "soccer mom" who stayed home all day making crafts with them and taking them to the pool...  But then we wouldn't have the house we're in now, and we'd live paycheck to paycheck, which, after doing that for years, both my husband and I agree sucks ass.  So I'm back at work, missing hanging out with my munchkins.  *Sigh*  Well, it was fun while it lasted!

Captain Riley at the helm

Eli happy as can be on the drive home

Date night and Tosh

I've got a date tonight with my husband! Yay! My mom is watching the boys so my hubbie and I can go to dinner.  Of course I wanted her to take them Friday night, but she has a more active social life than I do, and is going out Friday. And Thursday. And Sunday.... you get the picture.  So we'll go eat somewhere, sneak home really quick for some sexy time, and then go get the boys.  Yeah, I think my life has become a little sad when I get excited about something that most people just do...

On another note, I get to go see Daniel Tosh live! I love him, he's such an equal opportunity offensive guy... It's in October.  I only have 4 months to wait and think about how damn funny it's gonna be.

That's all I've got today... maybe something exciting will happen over the weekend...

Summertime Quiz...

Well, since I have nothing really going on in my life, I decided to cheat and copy someone else's idea!  So thanks to MannLand5


  and Marianne at "Diary of a Fickle White Woman" I give you the following:

1. If you could have one of Superman's, powers which one would you want? Superhuman strength..Flight..Superhuman speed..X-Ray vision..etc
Definitely flight... that way I wouldn't have such road rage, and my kids wouldn't yell "GO" everytime I get angry at tards on the road...


2. The best thing I ever won is....?
Hmmm, see this implies that I've won something other than school stuff.  I can't think of one thing I've won...


3. Have you ever skyped with a bloggy friend?
I've never skyped period.


4. What is your favorite Summer month?
Ok, so technically it's Spring, but I live in Louisiana and summer starts EARLY... so I say April/May


5. Pool, Lake, or Ocean?
Trick question?  I like the pool cause, well, I'm less likely to drown there.  Lakes and the ocean creep me out to an extent, cause I don't know what kind of creepy crawly stuff in around me.  But I LOVE the sand and beaches, so... ocean?  Though I did almost drown (literally... great story, maybe fodder for tomorrow's blog) the last time I was in the ocean...


6. One of my favorite Summer memories is.....?
Camping with my dad, uncle, and cousins when I was a kid... it was always an adventure! Think of the Griswald's summer vacations... that was us!

7. What's your favorite secret bargain?
There are secret bargains out there? Why hasn't anyone told me?!


8. Do you plan on or have you been watching the World Cup?
I don't WANNA watch, but my husband used to play soccer so...
 
So these are my answers... Happy summer all!

Zappos!

First a little background:  I have a confession to make... Hello, my name is Rachel, and I'm an avid online shopper.  Not that I actually buy lots of stuff online (or otherwise), I just love to look.  But when I do have to buy something, the first thing I do is look to see how much of a hassle it will be to buy it online, cause I don't have time to go to the store, what with lugging two little boys with me.

Now for my second confession... I have severe anxiety about calling people on the phone.  Not people I know, because they already know I'm an idiot, but other people don't!  My husband of course takes every opportunity that he can to make me call people for just this reason (to make me get over it... yeah whatever!).  So I avoid calling people at all costs...

So now my story:  I bought some shoes from the Zappos website.  Remember that I'm an idiot with memory loss? Yeah, well I put my old address for the shipping address (we haven't lived there in over a year... duh.).  I immediately (as soon as I clicked "buy now") realized my mistake, so I did the inevitable... I called customer service.  You know by now that I hated having to do this, and I could feel my heart racing as I dialed the number.  The recording picked up and this is when I realized how much I LOVE Zappos!  Prompt number 5 on their customer service line is the joke of the day.  No really!  I was so tempted to press 5, but then would have gotten distracted away from my original task at hand (I did call back afterwards to hear the joke... and have since called back a few times.  The number is 1-800-927-7671 if you wanna hear it for yourself).  So I pressed the appropriate button and spoke to the friendliest customer service person I've ever spoken to!  She didn't make me feel dumb in the least about not knowing where I lived!  I had a refund before I even hung up the phone! I love them!  So I went to their website and facebook pages to sing their praises. I am now a VIP member of their site, where I get free next day shipping on anything I buy from them... YAY!!

Here's the rest of the story.  Yesterday I was contacted by someone writing a book about the Zappos company asking me if I would be willing to share my experience with them in a book.  A book!!!  Hell yeah!!!  I've never been so excited about something so dumb in my life! (Ok, that's probably not true, I've been excited about LOTS of dumb stuff)  But still...

So that's my story about my new fetish.  Yep, doesn't take much to make me happy... Well, gotta go, got more shopping to do!

Memory Loss

I have it... and it sucks.  The fact is, I can't remember anything anymore without writing it down first, except I keep forgetting the book I carry around to write down said things.  I keep calling my sons by the dog's name.  By the time I get home, I don't remember what the daycare lady said they need for the next day.  It's a sad, sad thing folks. 

When I was preggo with the boys, I assumed it was blood being sucked out of my brain to give to the kid.  But nope, I think having kids just sucks all the little neurons right out, so that you just have no memory of anything.  What's worse is my co-workers have kids too, so we sit around trying to remember things together, you know, complicated stuff like "hey what's 9 times 4 again?".  You get the picture.

The irony of this post is that it isn't even what I planned to blog about today.  I just can't remember what I had thought of earlier to talk about.  Nice, huh?  It was something awesome though, I'm sure!

When it rains, it pours

First of all, our dog is back home!! In the weirdest twist, the day after I passed fliers out to all the neighbors' mailboxes, the dog was mysteriously spotted on the interstate (which is not that far from the house).  I still think someone took him, and maybe panicked when realizing that we were very actively looking for him and let him go.  Whatever.  He's home now... I can go back to not liking him again! Yay!

Meanwhile, our house seems to be rebelling against us.  The AC went out (actually the coils froze) Monday.  We thawed the coils and cleaned them really well.  Sunday... frozen again! ACK!  Nothing like having 2 little boys in a house that's 85 degrees to make a great afternoon! Oh and did I mention that the hubby was bringing his daughter home (2 hours one way) and wasn't home to rescue me?  Then, when bathing the boys last night, I shut the water off and the handle snapped off in my hand.  Yes folks, apparently I don't know my own strength... I broke metal.  Go me!  And of course we have to break down a wall to access the damn thing. 

Anything else? Should I even ask?!

Cuteness...

This is Eli:

Just looking at that little face makes me so happy... and sad. How fast he's growing up!  And because my husband we have decided not to have any more kids, every milestone Eli reaches is met with a mix of elation for him and severe sadness for me.  I just can't imagine never seeing the look of excitement in a baby's face the first time they can reach their toy, or getting to see them sit up by themselves for the first time, or... well you get the picture.  It doesn't help that I have friends who are pregnant right now that I'm now vicariously living through. 

The funny thing is, I would probably really lose my mind if I had another kid right now.  I mean let's face it, I'm already taking Barney pills (i.e. Zoloft... my husband calls them Barney pills, you know, cause they make me all "I love you, you love me") from my last pregnancy.  Not to mention that I would now be *gasp* over 35 making it an at risk pregnancy and I had gestational diabetes with my last pregnancy...

My brain knows it's a bad idea.  Now to just convince my heart...

Our dog

Well, our dog is missing.  He's my son's (and husband's) very best friend... and now he's gone.  I really don't like him, but now that he's gone I feel like one of my kids is missing.  What's worse is we think someone stole him... he's a brown doberman, and I'm afraid someone took him either to fight to as bait for a fighting dog.  *Sigh*  Why would someone do such a cruel thing? I mean really... I just want to find the person and kick their ass! They've caused such turmoil in my life... ass monkeys!! 
I just keep wondering if they're taking care of him (doubtful) and loving him the way we do.  And then I get sad.  I think I need more Zoloft...  What if we really never find him?  Is this something you should report to the police?  UGH!  I haven't felt so... confused... in quite some time.

Come home Neo... we miss you!

My little four eyes

Well, we went to the eye doctor with Riley this past week, and he needs glasses.  A 2 year old with glasses?! My first question was how the hell am I supposed to convince a two year old to keep them on.  We picked them up Friday, and I got my answer... you don't have to if he sees better with them.  By the end of the weekend, he was more than willing to wear them.  Watching him walk with them for the first time was amusing to say the least... he can see the cracks in the pavement! Apparently the poor kid couldn't see them before... he kept trying to step over them all until I told him it was ok to walk on the cracks.  My dad says he looks like the kid from Jerry Macguire, which makes me a little sad for him, but the glasses are cute!  So now I have a little four-eyes...

Maybe I should get him a mohawk to make him look a little cooler... :0)

In other news, went to get Eli out of his crib, and there he was, STANDING in his crib, grinning the biggest, most proud grin.  ACK!  I'm not ready for him to stand... or crawl, sit, not need mama anymore... They just are growing up so fast!

My husband's job is driving ME crazy!

My husband works really hard at his job. And I understand that he's in charge and all that. But he's the one who is supposed to pick the boys up from daycare so that I can get supper ready. Invariably, at least once a week (more lately), he calls me at the last possible minute to tell me he's gonna be late and needs me to pick up the boys. Which is fine, but he chooses the very moment when I'm passing the turn to daycare to tell me this. Oh and says he may need me to pick them up. MAYBE?! Either YES or NO... I'm at a critical turn here!!! Ugh. Then he gets mad cause I'm yelling, "YES OR NO ALREADY!!!" I'm not the calmest person... So now it's MY job to pick up the kids. And make supper. And do laundry, and feed them, change them, get them up in the morning, ... WTF? When did I become a single mom? And what's bad, is I know for a fact that he helps out way more than other dads. Sigh. Being a mom can be really tiring sometimes.

But then I see Riley dance around the house, singing in his little voice incoherant words that only he understands. And Eli sits up by himself for the first time, and scoots around everywhere. And they laugh their little hearts out while the dog chases them down and licks the crap out of them. And then I remember why I do all this...

As Riley would say... "Oh well"

Yeah right

I thought I could actually keep up with this blogging thing! HA! After the baby was born the house turned into a chaotic madhouse, complete with the resident lunatic (me). As if gestational diabetes wasn't quite enough, I had (have?) a bout with postpartum depression that made me an anxiety ridden bitch. Ok, so I'm an anxiety ridden bitch anyways, but it was infinity worse! So here I am, 8 months later, wondering where the time has gone. Away, that's where. And I'm now wishing for just one more baby... am I smoking crack!?! I think so... Cause clearly a 35 year old crazy mother of 2 (one 2 year old and one 8 month old) should NOT want another baby! But my friends are all preggo again, and it makes me long for that new exciting feeling you get when you know that you're gonna be bringing another little soul into the world. Fresh, new and not tainted by your rantings. You know what I mean? So while my heart is longing, my head (and my tired husband) tell me no way. Actually my husband's exact words were "if you say that again, I'm sticking it in your butt." Hmph. Nuff said.

Toddler Bed

Ok, so we've moved Riley (our 16 month old) into a toddler "big boy" bed in preparation for the new baby (we needed the crib!). He had no problem going to sleep in the bed, and cracks us up as we watch him in the monitor in the mornings... he gets out of bed, grabs toys, and jumps back in bed grinning the whole time like he's getting away with something sinister. It really is just cute! But two nights in a row (it hasn't even been a week yet) he's fallen out of the bed at night cause he squirms around everywhere in that bed!! Good thing it's low to the ground! Not that we don't laugh at him, cause he always has this drugged, half asleep look that says "What the hell just happened", but I feel bad for him! I mean, should I put a side rail up so that it stops him from falling out? Or just let him fall out and hope that he learns to not fall out? I just don't know... he stayed in last night, so at least that wasn't 3 nights in a row. I'm just worried that he'll eventually hurt himself, since at least one time (not sure about the second time) he fell out on his head (and then flipped over, wrapping himself in his blanket in the process which made me laugh all the harder... I love video monitors!). I know... not good mommy behavior!!

In the beginning...

So here I am, a 34 year old mother of one (a 16 month old boy), expecting another boy in a month. What makes me think that I possibly have time to write about anything? I'm not sure yet... a fit of insanity I suppose. But I figure that this is a good way to get my thoughts down about this crazy life that I seem to have, plus it just gives me something to look forward to while on maternity leave next month. So here it is...

Like I said, I'm 34, mother to one, one on the way. Have been married, divorced, and remarried (for 2 years in Sept) and am now for the first time in my life truly satisfied. Which is to say that I'm not trying to figure out a way to off my husband and get the insurance money while staying out of jail, or trying to figure out a better career path, or lamenting about how I'm an old woman with no children and no prospects of them, or trying to find the "perfect" man (all of which have happened at some point in my life). I just moved into what to my husband and I's delight is a perfect house (with lots of imperfections that need addressing, but still...). We have a cat and a dog, both of which drive us crazy. But we're living big, and taking no prisoners! So there!

Anyways, so here it is, my blog o' crazy. I'll post stuff about the upcoming birth of Eli, our fix em up projects, my rantings, you know, fun stuff! Hope you enjoy the journey with me... if you're even out there!