Yep, it's the big C

Well, here we are... the biopsy has been done, and the results are... breast cancer.  At fricking 36.  What the fuck!?  So now I have to have genetic testing done to see if I have a gene mutation (BRCA 1 or BRCA2).  If so then not only do I lose both boobs, but my ovaries as well.  Yay.  So while I'm trying to remain positive (hey, I get a boob job, maybe a tummy tuck, maybe no shaving for a while, maybe no more periods), I'm scared as hell that this has spread.  I'm getting a PET scan to see if it's stayed local or spread to other places in my body... this is happening Tuesday.  Until then I just - wait.  Ugh! 

Crap times two...

Well, the docs office called to tell me that "there is definitely a solid mass there, and it appears to have some malignancy present."  Damn.  I was really hoping that I was just overreacting, and that they would come back saying it was just a cyst.  So now I have to wait (again!) til next Wednesday for a consultation with a surgeon, who will then at a later date take a biopsy which I will then wait longer to find out the results of.  All this waiting... and I want it done YESTERDAY!!  I'm not a patient person, and this is not working very well for me!

Meanwhile, telling my parents was not great.  My mom took it well enough I think, but my dad... His mom (my grandmother) died of breast cancer.  I think this is making him relive all those moments all over again.  I know it's making me think of her... but I keep telling myself that it isn't the same as it was back in the 80's, a lot more is known about cancer now, and many MANY more options are available to me...

Of course, I can still hold out hope that it's benign...

Well crap.

Went to the OB/GYN... I got a stronger dose of Zoloft (100 mg instead of 50) for my PPD, and she checked out my boob lump.  I have to go get an ultrasound and mammogram Wed morning to determine if it's a cyst, tumor, or what.  I gotta tell you, I don't know if I want an answer to that.  What if it's bad?  All I can think of right now is what will happen to my family if I'm sick.  I mean REALLY sick...  Will my boys be OK if something happens to me? Will my husband?  I can't help but think not... I know I wouldn't be ok if something happened to any of them!  So here I sit, waiting to go get these tests over with and figure out what the next step is.  Pray to GOD that it's nothing!!!

It's been forever!

Wow it really has been a long time since I've posted on here.  Key West was an absolute BLAST! A well-needed getaway for my husband and I.  But now we're home, and even though the boys are growing up so fast, faster than I could imagine possible, I feel this... sadness.  Ok, so I DO have postpartum depression, and maybe I just need my meds to be adjusted.  Who knows. All I know is I sometimes think my kids would be better off with a different mommy, one that can handle basic problems without a) screaming her head off or b) going into a complete panic attack.  Ugh. This feeling is not nice.  So I have an appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow, where after she takes a look-see at my girly parts I will discuss these issues with her and see what she thinks.  My hubbie just wishes I would ask where my libido went... Lol!  And then there's the weird lump in my boobie that's causing all sorts of crazy thoughts to go through my head.  Geez....  I'm a mess!!

OMG!

Oh I'm so very excited! My DH and I are going to Key West in September for our anniversary!!!  YAY!!!  We never really had a honeymoon since someone (ahem) was preggo for the wedding.  We went to New Orleans for the weekend and stayed on Bourbon Street, but I was still in my first trimester and miserably nauseous the whole time, making it a less than romantic weekend.  So now we're gonna relive that whole honeymoon thing in the Keys.  Neither of us have been there, so it'll be something new for each of us.  The boys are staying at Grandma's house, so we don't have to worry so much about them either... they love it there!

So in other news... what do y'all think about a boy playing with a pretend kitchen?  I think it's fine (and if he wants to cook us supper later on in life, I have no problem with that!), but DH seems to think it's too "girly."  I bought him a stir fry kit and a grill kit to play with and he LOVES it... the next logical step for Christmas seems to be a pretend kitchen, right?  I mean it doesn't have to be pink with curtains for God's sake... they do make unisex kitchens!  And I think he'd really love it!  Now to convince the man...

Vacation!

So, I've been gone for a while... my family went on vacation.  Actually, we went visit family in Georgia, but that's as much of a vacation as I'm likely to get these days, so...
I was terrified elated with all the time I'd get to spend with my family in the car (11 hours, give or take), and was actually surprised to find that Eli slept most of the way, and Riley didn't mind sitting in a car seat that long. Huh.  We went to the Braves/Tigers game (Detroit won! Yay!), the Tellis Science Center (museum? whatever), took a boat ride around Lake Lanier, and just had a great time.  Then we had to come home....  BOOOOO!  I need a job that pays me to lay around at the beach all day eating bon-bons.  Anyone know where I can get that job?  Being with my family for a week or so nonstop just made me wonder if my kids wouldn't be better off with a "soccer mom" who stayed home all day making crafts with them and taking them to the pool...  But then we wouldn't have the house we're in now, and we'd live paycheck to paycheck, which, after doing that for years, both my husband and I agree sucks ass.  So I'm back at work, missing hanging out with my munchkins.  *Sigh*  Well, it was fun while it lasted!

Captain Riley at the helm

Eli happy as can be on the drive home

Date night and Tosh

I've got a date tonight with my husband! Yay! My mom is watching the boys so my hubbie and I can go to dinner.  Of course I wanted her to take them Friday night, but she has a more active social life than I do, and is going out Friday. And Thursday. And Sunday.... you get the picture.  So we'll go eat somewhere, sneak home really quick for some sexy time, and then go get the boys.  Yeah, I think my life has become a little sad when I get excited about something that most people just do...

On another note, I get to go see Daniel Tosh live! I love him, he's such an equal opportunity offensive guy... It's in October.  I only have 4 months to wait and think about how damn funny it's gonna be.

That's all I've got today... maybe something exciting will happen over the weekend...